A Flashback – my reflections- for  what I’ve been through for the past  few years, especially after my mom left.

My relationship with her was uneasy in some extent. When I was 15, I told her I’d left the house when I turn 18. It never happened. They planned to send me back to state, but they couldn’t afford it and I didn’t pass the UMPTN either …twice  hahahahah! So I was stuck at my parent house…even when I got the job. I even asked the Talent Acquisition division to send me back to Surabaya hahahah! Ya…sebegitunya saya pengen keluar dari rumah.

For me, she was hard to please and I was stubborn. Probably the greatest regret was I actually DID enjoy living at my parent’s  house. Enjoy the privilege having all utility fee paid, domestic helper that made my room and laundry, even meal already provided at the table. 

Even my brother, being the youngest, was already away when he went to college and it was actually just near by.

Long story short, I was and until now, NEVER able to live away from her now dad. I promised her on her last days that  she  could go and I’d take care of dad.  Considering I’m the one who live at their house.

Anyway, there is always two sides of coin. Back when my kids were small – more over after my wrecked marriage, I was worry-less having my toddlers at home with helper since my parent most likely to be around while I was working and I am – forever – thankful for this. 

Of course, being the one who is at home, I’m the one who know all her/their  acquaintances even their personal life. Now that she is no longer here… I feel I’m disconnected with ones that outside my circle. How would you  called it ? Degree of separation getting high in number? 

It just recently before I called her sister again, visiting her oldest cousin again, connecting the dots, connecting the silaturahmi.

I don’t think my siblings will able to do it, they left the house since their late teens, when they reunited with home (parents), they’d busy updating their live. Mom less likely talking about her acquaintances for sure, let alone what’s going on with their life. 

While I — the one  who mostly stay at home —  who she asked to accompany her here and there — the one she talked to during the time we spend together.

Approx a month ago, I paid a visit to her acquaintances who is very ill.  I figured out, my mom would likely to do the same had she still alive. The happiness in the patient’s family member face was unforgettable. Probably the spouse- who  is — at his old days as well – feel refresh talking to other people whom he barely met. Besides, salah satu hak orang sakit adalah dijenguk.  

Last weekend when I went to  Bandung  for a  race (race recap will come soon, you come to this blog for this, don’t you? ).  I was traveling alone  and figured most likely to be solo traveller. Then I remembered, my late uncle’s best friend lives in that city. 

Flashback, my late mom was very closed to her brother of 2-year-senior.  I called him Om John. He had a close friend that made there of them were best friends. After Om John passed away in 2001, my mom continued his legacy, still keeping silaturahmi with her bro’s best friend – I called him Om Yan  and his family. On every lebaran, my parents visited them and as the one who stayed with my parents, I tag along. This ritual was somewhat ended after my mom passed away.

I contacted the family again via their youngest daughter who has hearing impairment (hence, barely has clear conversation) and still busy with her Facebook status -___-. Adin gunanya juga nih Facebook selain stalking, #eh!  Initially, I want to pay a short visit as I booked a room very close to their house. 

One leads to another, the first born of the family picked me up at the station and I spent the rest of the day at their house, before the oldest one dropped me at the hotel later that night.  They asked me to stay overnight, but Afiza would come along. And nobody in that house was able to take me to race’s starting pen.

Imagine, 6 years of less news was compacted to 6 hours so-called-family gathering.  Updating what happened lately. 

It is so nice, hearing story about my late uncle and my late mom from the outsiders. How both Om John and Om Yan, really support each other back. When my Grandma was still alive, Om Yan still regularly paid a visit and he said

Nenek Kiky suka om kasih uang. Senang kali dia Ky…gantiin pemberian Om John lah”. 

And my late Grandma, voluntarily, gave a-significant amount of money to their youngest since Om Yan resolved Om John’s immediate-family issue back then. In DRAMA, we love! -___-

Then after my uncle gone, the legacy continued to my late mom and probably now to me.

Being a legacy of parents, is not bad, after all. The 6-hours-extended family gathering- warmed my heart.

for ma on her birthday

everytime I listened to this song on my IPOD, it never failed to make me cry

Il Divo,
Mama thank you for who I am
Thank you for all the things I’m not
Forgive me for the words unsaid
And for the times
I forgot
Mama remember all my life
You showed me love,you sacrificed
Think of those young and early days
How I’ve changed
Along the way (along the way)
And I know you believed
And I know you had dreams
And I’m sorry it took all this time to see
That I am where I am because of your truth
And I miss you , I miss you
Mama forgive the times you cried
Forgive me for not making right
All of the storms I may have caused
And I’ve been wrong
Dry your eyes (dry your eyes)
Bridge : BECAUSE I know you BELIEVE
Mama I hope this makes you smile
I hope you’re happy with my life
At peace with every choice I made
How I’ve changed
Along the way (along the way)
Cause I know you believed in all of my dreams
And I owe it all to you ,mama

Despite all my behaviours, all my words that hurt your feeling..
please forgive me,ma…I Love you ma…you’re the greatest.
Happy Birthday, mom

mother (2)

tulisan kedua saya tentang mama.

kemarin siang adalah kajian rutin terakhir di bulan Ramadahan ini, di musholla gedung tempat saya berkerja.
tidak seperti hari-hari sebelumnya yang berupa materi, kali ini topiknya perenungan.
merenung tentang bagaiamana ridhonya ibu adalah ridhonya Allah.
kalau kita kaya, sukses, anak-anak sehat dan lucu, jodoh yang baik,
jangan takabur itu adalah usaha pribadi seorang, pasti ada doa dan sujud ibunya didalamnya.
sepanjang “perenungan” air mata saya terus menetes.
jujur, saya sendiri tidak terlalu “klik” dengan mama, kami kerap berselisih pendapat. mungkin bisa dibilang I’m the most rebellious  among her three offspring.
kadang saya beranggapan mama susah dibantah, sehingga ego saya sering terusik.
padahal very now and then, saya masih tinggal di rumah mama menitipkan anak-anak disana.
menurut saya, mama pribadi yang keras, menurut mama saya sering takabur.
Permintaan maaf saya yang benar-benar tulus ke mama ketika saya meregang perih 10 jam sebelum
melahirkan Kezia yang ended up di meja operasi,  setelah itu, saya akui jarang saya benar-benar tulus meminta maaf ke mama.
beberapa waktu lalu  saya menghadapi masalah pelik, saya awalnya hanya menyimpan ini sendiri, later on, my dad found out and feel irritated,
“bagaimana papa bilang ke mama kamu nanti, kamu yang bilang sendiri!”
Terlihat kilat marah dimatanya, hal yang sangat sangat jarang saya lihat. Saya mulanya tetap diam walau batin ini menjerit  dan terus terang takut. Saya takut mama murka dengan kesalahan yang saya buat.
Tapi ketika mama mulai bertanya-tanya pertanyaan yang sederhana, yang sebenarnya tidak ada hubungannya
dengan masalah saya, saya langsung berlari ke pagkuan beliau, menangis dan mencium tapak kaki beliau,
saya saat itu sudah siap mental ibu saya murka karena kesalahan yang saya buat.
di luar prediksi saya,
mama membelai kepala saya — tidak seperti dengan kedua anaknya yang lain— terus terang pemandangan ini jarang  terlihat antara mama dan saya.
sama sekali tidak ada murka di kalimat mama, yang ada hanya dukungan moril. Walaupun berkali kali saya memohon ampunan telah mengecewakan mereka, mama bilang beliau tidak kecewa sama sekali dengan kesalahan saya, she has guess this problem will occur eventually,
mungkin karena feeling ibu yang kuat terhadap anak yang pernah berbagi makanan dan nafas dengannya
moril yang diberikan membuat saya lebih jernih dan tenang untuk menyelesaikan masalah.
Peristiwa itu menghempas kesombongan saya selama ini, I feel bad for who I am  but  my mom told me not to.

there were many times I told my parents I’m not the mommy little girl anymore,
this occurance proof me wrong,
I still their little girl and probably will always be.
You are awesome,ma.

missing you

it has been 7 weeks,
and I’m still miss you,
and still in my regret why I barely had you on the phone.

If only those Duri business trip hasn’t been postponed,
I wanted to hold you thight, and never let you go.
I miss you grandma,
I really do…